Look and Feel:
The film starts with Gray's narration over wide shots of NYC: "It is estimated that up to ten million people have ADHD and are not aware of it. They have never been diagnosed or treated for ADHD. That's equal to the entire population of New York City. For fifty-three years I was one of those 10 million." Animated charts will visually highlight facts during the narration. Clips from interviews with leading ADHD experts are used throughout, adding to the understanding of what ADHD is... and how devastating it can be when undiagnosed.
Using family 8mm film and videos, the film will examine director Wesley Gray's life along with interviews shot at 4K. Starting with Gray's first days in elementary school , where the symptoms of his inattentive type ADHD were first first documented in notes made by his teachers on his report cards. A visual of his 1st grade report card reveals the
teacher's comment, "Wesley is always looking out the window, daydreaming. "If only those daydreams could have been graded! I was always creating stories and worlds in my head... which, in the end, for me, turned out to be more beneficial than the required subjects." Gray said. ADHD was not widely recognized at the time (late 1960's) and Gray's inattention was often only seen as negative, not trying hard enough, or even laziness.
Although Gray was several grades advanced in reading, he struggled in many other subjects and his self esteem began to be adversely affected at an early age. The pattern continued into high school where Gray started using illicit drugs and skipping classes. Gray discusses the reason he thinks he was drawn to drugs and considers it may have been a way to self medicate to relieve his ADHD.
After high school his family moved to the Pacific Northwest where he met his soon to be wife. They married when Gray was 21 and they had five children over the next fifteen years. Desperate to provide for his family, he took any work he could find, yet over the next two decades found himself losing even the simplest of jobs.
Gray taught himself 3D animation by reading books and articles on the subject during his lunch break while working as a night watchman. He volunteered online to do some graphics for a game being made by a programmer at Jet Propulsion Labs on a personal project. Soon afterwards the programmer joined a video game division of JVC in Los Angeles and offered Gray a position as a 3D Artist. Although creative jobs were more suited (and higher paying) Gray still often found himself out of work and couldn't figure out why. He knew he wasn't stupid or lazy and had not touched drugs since his marriage. Finances did stabilize a bit with the creative type jobs. In 1995 Gray was featured on several television shows including MTV in Europe as an early member of the first ever internet band along with UK band Londonbeat and Dave Stewart of the Eurthymics among others. These experiences helped give Gray a much needed self-esteem boost and he realized his best shot at a stable income was in creative roles. Yet even with these periods of achievement, everything seemed to always fail in the end and he still couldn't understand why.
The title for the film came out of an encounter Gray had with his factory supervisor: Gray's job at the time consisted of repeating the same simple process on parts in an assembly line, He had performed this task thousands of times flawlessly for hours a day, day after day. However, every once in a while his mind would drift off into a much more interesting imaginary world. A very large mess would ensue at his station and would result in the shutting down of the entire line until it was cleaned up. " How the #$@# did you not notice that?" Gray's supervisor barked. "I don't know" was the only thing Gray could come up with in moments like those, that seemed to happen randomly. Several disasters later his supervisor asked him, "What are you, ADD?"
Ironically, Gray did indeed have ADD, but just took the comment as just one more insult in a lifetime of insults and innuendos. Frustrated, Gray enrolled in a one year business trade school and did very well at first. However, his varying grades on tests in subjects like accounting prompted his teacher to accuse him of cheating in front of the class. "How is it you can get an A one week and a F the next?" she asked. At the time Gray could only guess it was perhaps his hay fever making it hard to focus, which judging from the instructor's expression, was not a valid reason in her mind. On the final exams Gray barely passed and his accounting instructor told him "You should not be an accountant." Gray had spent that year full time in college trying as hard as he could to succeed. only to fail once again to break the cycle of chronic unemployment that was becoming an ever increasing strain on his entire family.
The film shows via character narration, interviews, animation, and reenactments, Gray's struggle including his roller coaster income fluctuations, and his relationships with people. In one reenactment, in order to help the audience understand what ADHD feels like, a couple is having a romantic dinner at a restaurant. The man's wife is telling her husband a very important story. At first the man has good eye contact and focused on her every word. About halfway through the conversation using multiple audio tracks we start to hear what the man is really hearing in his head. The kitchen staff, other tables conversations, a bus going past outside the window, a kid asking his mom to take him to the restroom, etc. His brain trying to process everything at the same time. Of course, when his wife asks him a question, it's obvious he hasn't been listening and the romantic dinner is ruined. That along with other ADHD symptoms, were wreaking havoc on Gray's relationship with his wife, kids and others.
Cinematic style footage showing Gray and other subjects in the calm beauty of the Northwest U.S. is juxtaposed with Gray's narration describing the intense struggle he went through, and still has does to a lesser degree. At age 53 Gray finally read Dr. Hallowell's book Driven to Distraction. "I read the case studies one after another and realized I most definitely had severe ADHD and had all my life." Gray then adds, "The awesome thing was, all these people in the book responded to treatment and it improved their lives dramatically!" Gray went to see a psychologist for ADHD testing. "Afterwards I asked how it went" , to which the psychologist stated, "Remember all those tests you
failed in school? Well you aced this one!
Gray went to his family physician to ask about his options for ADHD medications. "I wanted to get help as fast as possible, having been warned that my job was once again in jeopardy for randomly forgetting to clock in at my computer." The nurse came in and performed a routine blood pressure check. Her eyes grew wide and she immediately brought the doctor in who informed Gray he needed to check himself into the emergency room as he was at risk of a stroke.
As Gray now knows, one common trait of ADHD is to put things off and act on impulse. Gray ignored the urgent nature of his condition and waited to go to the hospital. He then had a minor stroke and once again ignored the hospital staff's recommendation to stay for more tests. "At the time I was more worried about losing my job than my health" Gray said. He checked himself out and returned to work. A few weeks later he had a much more serious stroke and spent a month in hospital with his right side severely affected by the stroke. Unable to use his right hand, he lost his job which required both hands to control a mouse and a joystick to control 3D software . Over the next several months he recovered from being wheelchair bound to walking with a cane and can now work on his computer using his left hand and voice to text software. "I re-accessed my skillset and realized I could still do many of the things I love like writing, producing video, and composing music."
Gray's hope of starting on ADHD medication was dashed when his doctors were understandably more concerned with his blood pressure and heart than his ADHD. "What's funny, I now can see that my ADD is what probably got me in this predicament." Gray said. Almost two years later he has had to focus on his heart condition and work on reducing his blood pressure.. "For now I use diet, exercise and supplements to help manage my ADHD, but soon I hope to try a low dose of some of the nonstimulant ADHD medications out there. Everyone is different, you have to find what works for you." Gray said.
The film ends with Gray slowly regaining movement on his right side and starting medical treatment for his ADHD. Looking back, Gray considers his fifty-three years of undiagnosed ADHD to have been a greater disability than his stroke. "I consider ADHD an asset once you know what you're dealing with and treat it accordingly."